My Personal Recovery Story
“I have held onto the peace of the moment in the rain when I knew I could walk the path and I was equal to the journey.”
The challenge for this week is to talk about personal loss. This brings up many confusing feelings as a counselor. The world has changed considerably since my formal training where we were taught to be blank slates and not give away information about ourselves. A few years ago, setting up my private practice I realized how much this has changed and being present and fully me is now the expectation. This has been a difficult shift so providing my story of recovery will be a big stretch.
I feel most comfortable offering up my divorce recovery story. I was married at the age of 16 and gave birth to my amazing son at the age of 17. I tell the story of how we were in love, young and neither had any idea how to be married. We both believed things would work out happily ever after. Thirteen months after the birth of my son I had my first strong-willed beautiful daughter. Two years after that we had our third child a sweet daughter. Three months after that we separated for the first time and fifteen months after that he left for the last time.
So, here I am 21 years old, separated, with three children and no means to provide for myself or them. Thank goodness I had finished high school and knew I wanted to continue my education. As I am writing I realize I am keeping to the plain story and demographics not the emotional connection and pain which comes when we go through a divorce, which is the story I need to share.
I was devastated when my husband left. The five years of marriage was very difficult for me with physical, mental, and emotional abuse along with infidelity on his part. I was very beaten down. I had tried in every way possible to be what he wanted and prove I could be worthy of his love and a worthy mother. I had completely lost myself. Knowing what I do now about development, of course I lost myself. This was the time for self-exploration and gaining an identify. I instead lost myself trying to please another, who would never be satisfied with me, I knew everyday I was not enough and would never be enough. Then he left me for a younger woman. I laugh about this now, really, I was 21 so younger was 18. However, it was devastating and of course he told me all the reasons I was not enough and why he could not be with an inferior person. I was then sexually assaulted which added to the pain and trauma.
He insisted others would be better raising my 3 beautiful children and all the ways I would damage them. This was a line I would not cross. I would never give up my children. I was also watching their pain as they cried for their father and were confused. Knowing what I do now I am sure their little bodies and brains were trying to keep up with all the emotions swirling around them. All 3 were under the age of 5 and relied upon me for regulation. Of course, I was up and down through this entire process, so they were also.
One night after the assault and an extremely difficult day I walked outside barefoot in the rain. I screamed, I cried and then I stood there with my face upturned to the sky and let the rain fall washing away the tears. I had a sense of peace and calm come in that moment. I remembered my strength and I knew I could walk the path which needed to be walked one step at a time. I am unsure why in that moment it all became clear. I have always had a strong connection to the outdoors and love the peace rain provides me as it washes the world clean. I feel this is what happened for me this day a cleansing of all the negative words, doubt and shame heaped upon me for the previous 5 years.
I started my journey towards recovery the following day. I filed for divorce, I enrolled in school, I applied for a restraining order, I started counseling, I started working and I accepted the love and kindness from my family to help me move forward. I slowly came to myself, found myself and have continued to build me.
I wish I could say we all lived happily ever after, and I skipped down the road towards bliss. However, this is simply not true. I recover daily from the challenges of life. I do feel it is a journey of a thousand steps and must be chosen and walked moment to moment. In the intervening years I survived cancer, my parents’ divorce, my father’s incarceration, the loss of my niece, the loss of my nephew along with growing pains of a blended family. However, I have held onto the peace of the moment in the rain when I knew I could walk the path and I was equal to the journey. I could also have never made it without so much love and support from so many people who have walked with me and cheered me on. I have a deep appreciation and belief in the kindness, compassion, and connection we share with others. I know when we need someone to walk with us, we simply need to put it out there and be open. So many times, this has happened in my life as I journey in hope and happiness not towards bliss but living everyday in acceptance of this day and what it brings.