Self-Compassion During Grief and Loss

As I sat down to write this post I immediately thought, “I can’t talk about self-compassion during grief, I have not experienced enough death in my lifetime.”

 So.. a good reminder to practice self-compassion.

 I want to start out by clearly stating there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of someone you love. The 5 stages of grief and loss we have held onto as a society since 1969 has been shown through multiple studies to be inaccurate. We don’t go through stages in a linear pattern coming to a place of peace and acceptance evermore. Grief is a much messier and individualized process. So again, I state there is NOT a wrong way to grieve.

So how do we provide ourselves compassion during loss? I am going to utilize the three pillars of self-compassion framework from Kristin Neff - mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness to answer this question.

Being mindful during grief to me, is about attending to our thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way. I know there are a large amount of ‘shoulds’ surrounding how we or others think we should act and grieve properly. These judgements or perceptions are untrue! How your body is feeling right now in this moment, that is actual truth! So take time to listen and notice what you are actually feeling instead of what you or others think you should be feeling.

There has been some research to show we are more binary in our grief. At times we will feel good. We will want to interact with others, go out, enjoy time and then within minutes, hours, or days we will be crying, staying in, feeling alone and not wanting to speak, engage or experience the loss.

Taking time to be sad as well as time to take breaks from the sadness as you need provides you with the opportunities to check in with yourself and determine what you need without external judgment.

Everyone experiences loss at one point in their life. This is something very common to humanity. There are several examples of how common grief and loss is to us all, many of the most poignant photos we remember show individuals in moments of loss and sadness. Given about 2.5 million people die in the U.S. each year and leave an average of 5 people behind to grieve them we are not alone in our grief. However, we don’t talk about it with each other.

 I rarely go through a day when I am not thinking of either a person or pet, I am grieving the loss of. I miss them and wish to have one more minute with them, wish to do things differently, wish to not feel the loss. I don’t talk about this with anyone. I fear bringing up others pain, I fear awkward, and I fear being thought weak. I have clients talk often about not knowing what to say, how to talk about loss, how to comfort others or how to provide support. Maybe if we all openly engaged in these conversations, we could all improve and feel more open in sharing our pain with others in our lives. In doing so we can recognize they may be feeling the same thing each day as well and lessen the loneliness that surrounds grief.

To me self-kindness is about taking the ‘shoulds’ out of my own vocabulary towards myself. Which can also be about talking to myself as I would to a friend. I would never tell anyone else they had not experienced enough death to talk about the topic. I would listen and provide kindness for the death they have suffered. During times of personal loss, I have continued to work and not allowed myself the kindness to be sad. I soldier on and keep a stiff upper lip when inside I am a puddle of sadness. Self-kindness is about not judging or expecting ourselves to act and be a certain way. This is about allowing our grief and sadness to be whatever it is moment to moment and not set up parameters around what we are allowed to feel.

I know this brings up anxiety for many of us. The 5 stages of grief provided us with structure, a step-by-step manual of how to do this ominous “grief thing”. Therefore, the steps gained so much ground and have been clung to despite being shown inaccurate. We want to know the right way to grieve so we can know there is an end and a structure to our pain. The unknown is not very comfortable to us. The reality is there is no structure, there is no right way, and there is no guarantee about what works. It is all entirely up to us as individuals to be kind with ourselves, allow the feelings to flow and trust the process. Afterall, humanity has been experiencing death and grief since the inception of time. You will move through different emotions, and you will make it down the path to a place of less pain for longer amounts of time.

I implore each of us to utilize self-compassion as we walk through daily life. I challenge each of us to have conversations about our loss. I invite each of us to take time and sit with ourselves and identify how we are feeling about loss in this moment. Finally, I offer for each of us to allow time without judgment to be human and support each other on the path.