Safe Relationships
Connecting shame + Mindfulness + Self-Compassion
In a recent session an item was spilled and instantly I saw panic, worry, shame and then resolution cross a little face. I replied, “it’s OK”, the reply back was, “it is always ok… in here.” The comment really caught me off guard. I really started to think about safety from shame in relationships and how shame impacts relationships. I wondered about how we create safer relationships as parents, friends, siblings, children, neighbors, and co-workers.
Brene Brown’s research has defined shame as “experiencing a feeling of intense pain which comes from believing we are flawed and unworthy of love and belonging due to something we have experienced, done or failed to do which makes us unworthy of connection”.
How important are safe relationships and connection?
The more I learn as a human and as a counselor I realize it is everything. As mammals the largest regions of our brain are centered around social interactions and connection. There have been multiple studies surrounding how connection impacts mental health and I am guessing we have all felt the effects. One recent study published in BMC Psychiatry demonstrated adolescents who feel a high amount of shame withdraw from others and have conflict within their interpersonal relationships. This research further demonstrates the relationship between shame, connection and perhaps the increased feelings of loneliness we are experiencing worldwide. After all it makes sense if we feel unworthy of being loved we withdraw or lash out and further confirm we are not worthy.
So… how do we combat shame and create safe relationships for connection.
One way to combat shame is self-compassion. This is not surprising as when we take time to understand others, we are less judgmental and more compassionate towards them. Self-compassion is the same concept just with an understanding of ourselves. In Krisitn Neff’s research there are 3 pillars of self-compassion the first being mindfulness. Mindfulness is the first step because we first must understand the whole picture. Mindfulness is taking time in the present moment to pay attention in a non-judgmental way. Start by taking the time to be curious in the moment and ask the hard questions. What am I really feeling in this moment emotionally and in my body? While this seems simple when I ask clients to tell me what they are feeling in their body I generally get a very blank look back. Upon asking when the last time was you noticed and asked yourself what you are feeling in your body, I get an equally blank look and then sadness at the loss of connection with themselves. We spend so much time focused on how to fix things before we ask the essential question about what is the actual feeling we are seeking to fix. I understand the fear of checking in and realizing we are sad, we are lonely, we are disconnected and all the other emotions we fear. However, this is where we also start to heal. My challenge for you would be to start this week with asking questions about, ‘what I am feeling’ and being nonjudgmental and curious in the moment of the answer. You don’t have to do anything with it just seek the information.
In a world full of disconnection and pain created by shame, our first stop to finding safe relationships is to start with the relationship with ourselves. In finding a safe place and relationship within ourselves we can find safe connections with others.