Safety in Conversations
Safe conversations
How to create conversations free from shame. Regardless of whether the conversation we are talking about is with ourselves or someone else here are some rules I hold to for creating safety.
1- Take out shaming language such as should, must, ought’s and have to; these are all very shame based and create a feeling of not being or doing enough.
2- Identify power differentials, avoid things which either give the other person power or take away your power. You know what you are feeling and your feelings ARE valid!
3- Don’t be afraid to be curious and ask the questions such as, “are you thinking of harming yourself,”, “tell me about sadness”, “are you feeling more anxious”. We don’t ask the questions because we are often afraid of the answer and feel inadequate. We all want to be seen and heard so we are not alone. Sitting in heavy emotions is not something society prepares us for. However, sitting with others in the darkness is what brings light to us all. If you are still concerned reach out to a mental health professional or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Crisis text line if texting is easier 741-741.
4- Throw skunks on the table and pet elephants in the room. Remember dancing around and avoiding difficult topics creates a space of fear and anxiety. Many times in my career clients tell me if the person they trust is afraid of the conversation it must be REALLY BAD or REALLY SCARY creating a feeling of shame. DON’T avoid, dive in, you can always let the other person know you don’t understand but can find some who can help you both understand.
5- Keep trust and confidences- NOT SECRETS. We are as sick as our secrets, don’t ask others to hold onto those or agree to hold them for others. Again the light is our friend. This may be a difficult process or journey but a journey starts with the first step. Speak the truth, “no, I am not doing OK”, “no, I am not fine”, “yes, I am or have been abused”, “Yes, I was assaulted”, “yes, I need support right now”. There is help and light at the end of the journey.